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 Dengan menyebut nama Allah SWT yang Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang

Ya allah terimakasih karena waktu yang telah engkau berikan kepada hamba ya allah – terimakasih ya allah

bener-bener waktu luang yang harus dimanfaatkan dengan kegiatan yang lebih rutin dan bermanfaat

apa yang terjadi padamu?

Aku pengen jadi ibu rumah tangga, jadi aku tidak mendaftar dan bekerja secara formal 

Aku memilih dan mendapat di pekerjaan informal – yang aku kira bisa sewaktu waktu mengundurkan diri jika aku menjadi ibu rumah tangga....

Rasanya sedikit aneh sekarang

Aku sudah ingat cara memproses nya, bagaimana aku ingin jadi ibu rumah tangga....

Tapi aku rasa alasan itu sudah tidak lagi menjadi alasan yang baik.

Kala itu – aku berkonflik dengan keluargaku, terutama ibuku... waktu itu aku punya keputusan yang tidak masuk akal untuk keluargaku, terutama orangtua, terlebih lagi ibuku

Dan aku semakin merasa tidak nyaman dengan ibuku dan keluarga

Hingga akhirnya, aku kira, jika aku tidak memilih jalan seperti yang ibuku lakukan, lalu melakukan hal lain, anakku tidak akan mengalami kebencian yang seperti aku rasakan. Aku merasa tersiksa, bahkan salah satu buku yang aku beli berjudul “Aku ingin pulang meski aku sudah di rumah” hanya aku beli karena judulnya adalah sebuah kalimat yang aku bahkan sebelumnya tidak bisa menggambarkan perasaanku.

Aku tetap teguh dengan keinginanku, dan berakhir pada kesimpulan bahwa aku ingin menjadi ibu rumah tangga, aku tidak ingin bekerja formal, aku ingin menjadi sosok seperti ibu yang aku inginkan ---- dan aku rasa ini adalah ekspektasi yang tidak realistis ditambah dengan sakit OCD dan bipolarku yang bergemuruh

Namun, seiring berjalannya waktu...

Akhirnya aku berubah pikiran

Aku memaknai lagi keluargaku, orangtuaku, dan juga ibuku dengan sudut pandang yang berbeda

Aku rasanya keadaannya tidak berubah. Masih sama

Tapi sudut pandang hidupku yang berubah

Aku mendapat hikmah 

Allah memberiku petunjuk

Allah memberi kasih sayang di hatiku, untuk menyayangi keluargaku, orangtuaku, ibuku....

Perlahan aku rasa apa yang dulu ibuku lakukan terasa menyakitkan, berubah menjadi obat yang menyembuhkan

Aku menghargai ibuku

Aku kagum pada ibuku

Dan aku mencoba akan menempuh jalan yang sama dengan ibuku

Ibuku adalah perempuan yang tangguh, dan aku tidak tau cara bagaimana untuk lebih memahami betapa berharganya hal itu

Ibuku adalah perempuan yang bisa mengatur waktu dengan baik, dan itu adalah hal yang aku masih kesusahan melakukannya, waktu luangku rasanya menguap secepat hitungan tahun....

Ibuku adalah istri, anak, tetangga, dan kolega kerja yang baik dan bijaksana, aku tidak tau bagaimana cara melakukannya, rasanya aku memikirkannya saja tidak sanggup

Dan itu rasanya menakjubkan

Bagaimana aku bisa menghadapi cobaan hidup sekuat ibuku

Aku tidak pernah bisa memahaminya.........

Jadi sekarang, aku lebih lebih lebih dan lebih menghargai keluargaku, orangtuaku, dan ibuku

Aku harus bekerja

Aku harus menjadi guru kelas, bekerja formal, dan jika diterima menjadi PPPK atau ASN

Dan aku bisa tinggal di kota lain

Dulu aku ingin tinggal jauh dari tempat aku tumbuh, di pinggir pantai, dan penuh ketenangan, tidak ada huru hara

dan aku rasa hidup seperti itu tidaklah realistis, dalam hidup pasti ada prahara sebagai ujian hidup, dan seperti itulah hidup

aku hanya harus melewatinya

aku hanya harus melakukannya

ku kira allah sudah menjawab doa-doa ku, dengan petunjuk dan kemantapan hati

bertemu dengan banyak orang dengan ceritanya juga menambah hikmah hidupku

dan aku bersyukur karena itu

alhamdulillah

alhamdullilah

alhamdullilah

aku tidak tau bagaimana hidupku tanpa keluargaku, orangtuaku, dan ibuku.....

Allah memberiku hidayah dan petunjuk – alhamdullilah

Semoga allah mudahkan ya allah 

Semoga allah mudahkan ya allah 

Semoga allah mudahkan ya allah

Semoga allah mudahkan ya allah

Apa yang akan kau lakukan sekarang dheee?

Keinginanku untuk menikah dan memiliki 6 anak masih ada, aku masih ingin berkeluarga

Tapi, aku tidak harus melakukannya secepatnya

Aku tidak harus menjadi ibu rumah tangga

Aku bisa bekerja menjadi guru, sama seperti ibuku

Aku bisa menjadi istri yang baik, walau bekerja

Aku bisa mendidik dengan baik walau bekerja

Dan aku bisa menjadi anak, tetangga, dan teman yang baik dengan bekerja

Kemandirian finansial adalah bentuk ikhtiar dalam hidup

Jihad di jalan allah dengan tidak meminta minta

Sudah cukup 5 tahun kerja non formal, sudah saatnya bekerja formal kann dheee

Siapa tau dengan ini ada nilai diri yang lebih yang membuat ada yang ingin menikahimu

Jadi tujuanmu bekerja masih ingin mempunyai suami?

HUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Baik baik baik....

Jadi hal yang harus aku lakukan pertama kali adalah meluruskan niatku kembali di jalan allah

Apa yang aku lakukan harus karena allah, untuk allah, dan mengharap balasan dari allah

Ya allah bantu hamba menjaga kemaluan hamba ya allah

Bantu hamba menjaga harga diri hamba

Ya allah hamba ingin menikah, hamil, melahirkan, menyusui, mendidik anak --- dan menyayangi anak sebanyak hamba bisa

Dan pernah suatu waktu aku berpikir --- anak nggak bisa di undo dheee

Kerja bisa resign – apa apa bisa nggak dilanjutkan

Tapi anak harus terus dilanjutkan

Dan aku sangat bersyukur – allah memberiku waktu untuk menumbuhkan kesadaran

Dan hikmah

Ya allah alhamdulliah

Terimakasih ya allah

Terimakasih ya allah

Terimakasih ya allah

Aku sudah cukup lama menjalani apa yang aku inginkan, dan aku harus mencoba hal baru, menjadi apa yang orangtuaku inginkan, semoga menjadi jalan menjadi apa yang allah inginkan, ridho orangtua jadi ridho allah kann dheee ---- ya yaa yaaaa

Dan semoga allah mudahkan ya allah aamiin aamiin aamiin 

Semoga allah mudahkan dan semoga allah lapangkan ya allah aamiin aamiin aamiin

One of the most important things to understand about yourself before marriage is waht are your expectations for marriage

Having realistic expectation ---

Because one of the major issue that tends to come up, where people have completely unrealistic ecpectations, and it make sense that peole have unrealistic expectation

We have all of this media, forget about just movie and TV shows, we alla know are completely unrealistic portrayals of healthy relationship, we know that

But even more are what real people portray through social media, real people and the way the potray their relationship on social media are completely false dan completely unrealistic

People post their highlight reels and we all compare our low points in our lives to their high point. So people portray waht they choose to portray, and it is unreliastic, 

and it’s really important for us to know that, so we can maintain realistic expextations, which is very, very hard to do

you know and furthermore, unrealistic expectation are also trap of shaitan, like this one of the things that he uses to create a sense of dissatisfaction

because we you’re content, you feel close to allah SWT, dan you’re worshiping Allah better

---- rasanya sudah membaik dan membaik 

Ulangin

Ulangin

Ulangin

One of the most important things to understand about yourself before marriage is what are your expectations for marriage, right?

Having realistic expectations, because I'll tell you like that's one of the major issues that tends to come up, right, where people have completely unrealistic expectations, and it makes sense that people have unrealistic expectations, right?

Like we have all of this media, like forget about just movies and things like that. Yeah, movies we all know, and TV shows we all know are completely unrealistic portrayals of healthy relationships, right?

We know that. But even more are what real people portray through media, through social media, right? Real people and the way that they portray their relationships on social media are completely false and completely unrealistic.

People post their highlight reels, and we all compare our the low points in our lives to their high points, right?

You know, like there are so many people, like I still remember somebody at some point posting on her, like on one of her social media accounts, how, oh, you know, my husband just brought me breakfast in bed, you know, hashtag, and all of these things, right?

And, and so, you know, you look at that, and you're thinking, like, all these other women look, and they look, my husband doesn't give me breakfast in bed, right?

Like, but, and then they become dissatisfied. And then later on, about a year later, a same person reaches out to me and tells me that she's actually struggling with domestic violence with her husband, right?

So people portray what they choose to portray, and it is unrealistic, 

and it's really important for us to know that so that we can maintain realistic expectations, which is very, very hard to do.

You know, and furthermore, unrealistic expectations are also a trap of shaitan, like this is one of the things that he uses to create a sense of dissatisfaction, right?

Because when you're content, you feel close to alas patata, you're, you're, you're worshiping him better, and things like that, the sense of contentment is something so beautiful, right?

So, discontent is going to be something that shaitan is always trying to breed within us, and he always tries to get us to think that nothing is good enough other than an unreachable standard.

Because what happens when you set unreachable standards, you give up, and that's one of his goals, right?

Like, even the way that, look at the way he tempted Adam as and Eve, when he said to them, to, to eat from the tree that they were not permitted to eat from,

he said to them, your Lord has forbidden this tree to you only to prevent you from becoming angels or immortals, and then he swore to them,

I am truly your sincere advisor. 

So, what does he do? He tells them, you're human, right? And what's the virtue of an angel?

One of the virtues of an angel is that they worship alas patata 24-7 tirelessly, worshipping them, worshipping Allah.

And so, Adam and I said, I'm, you know, like, he wants to be able to worship alas patata that much, right?

So, this standard of perfection, that's how shaitan got to him. He didn't, he didn't get to him by telling him to stop worshipping Allah,

no, he got to him by, by making him aim for a standard that Allah swt didn't, didn't tell him to aim for, right?

And this is what shaitan tries to convince us that if you can't obtain perfection, it's not even worth trying.

And so, if your spouse is not perfect for you, if your spouse doesn't obtain perfection, then the marriage is doomed, right?

And so, people have these unrealistic expectations.

And so, this all or it's called all or nothing thinking, black and white thinking, right?

It's either, I get everything or it's not worth it.

And that's what shaitan really aims for us, right?

So, the next time that you notice that you're feeling overwhelmed, that you're feeling angry, stressed out,

if you're down on yourself or on other people, then consider whether your standards are to blame,

whether your standards are too high, right?

And then go ahead and read, address those standards, consider how you might change them, consider whether they're realistic.

If somebody were holding me up to these same standards, would I be able to achieve them?

Or if you're being really hard on yourself, if I were holding somebody up to these same standards,

would they be able to achieve them, right?

Rather than allowing shaitan to convince you otherwise.

So, what are some of the ways that we can manage this?

One of the ways that we can do that is by having a healthy goal in our marriage, right?

Because as human beings, we always want a sense of achievement.

But when we don't have a goal in marriage, what ends up happening is our brain creates its own goal,

and that goal is perfection, right?

And so, it will never be reached.

So, even if you reach a certain point in your marriage or something good happens,

it's like, well, it wasn't up to this standard, right?

You know, like your husband takes you off from breakfast?

Well, if you didn't make me breakfast in bed, right?

So, there's always something, there's always something like that, right?

And so, if you don't have a goal or an objective or a specific outcome in mind,

or you don't know what you and your spouse needs and how to best fulfill those needs,

then how are you going to be able to know whether you're feeling successful in this relationship, right?

But our overall goal as Muslims in marriage, and I think this is so important and so healthy, is that we should be striving for a life of having closeness to Allah's swt,

and pleasing him through our choices in our marriage,

and through every other relationship in our lives, right?

And so, in preparation for marriage, this is a goal you can have in every relationship in your life,

to do it for the sake of Allah, to think what would Allah want me to do in the way that I deal with this person?

What would Allah want me to do in the way I respond to them in the way that I deal with them, right? 

And so, when we make our intention for the sake of Allah's swt, it helps in every step of the way. And actually, it's one of the things that I advise my clients in marriage counseling, because a lot of times, when people do things for the sake of one another, when that person makes you mad, you stop doing it, right?

But if you do it for the sake of Allah, then no matter what that other person's reaction is, you know you're getting rewarded by Allah's panatada, so that goal is being met, right? It becomes an achievable goal. 

When you do things for the sake of Allah, it becomes an achievable goal. You want to do things that'll make your your spouse feel happy. You're going to

want to do things that make your parents happy, your friends happy, and things like that, but realize that their happiness is not your responsibility, right? 

So, when you do it for the sake of Allah's swt, then even if they're still not happy, even if they're still struggling, even if they have their own stuff that they're dealing with that prevents them from responding in a good way to

you, it's all for the sake of Allah, and it's all taken into account. 

And so, this is one of the misconceptions that people have in marriage, and that's one of the ways to address it, 

that misconception of, if I get married, I will be happy, right? If I get married, I will be happy, 

and I'll tell you anybody who's married can tell you that that's not the way it works, right? And everybody shaking their heads. 

But the point of marriage is not happiness. 

One of the points of marriage is number one, closeness to Allah's swt, 

and number two, through that growth. 

The point of marriage is growth, right?

And happiness has very little to do with your life circumstances, and it has much more to do with the way you think about your life circumstances. And that's why I said the social media thing, right?

Were you complaining that your spouse didn't make you breakfast in bed, or that your wife doesn't doesn't have a gourmet meal waiting for you when you come home from work? Were you thinking about that complaint before you saw it on somebody's social media account? 

No, you weren't, right? 

And so, our circumstances have very little to do with our happiness, and much more to do with our mindset.

Right? So marriage is a test just like any other test.

And so for some of us, there's going to be ease. For some of us, there's going to be hardship, but for pretty much everybody, it's a mix of both, right? 

And you know, it's that combination in being able to be grateful to Allah's swt for the good, and being able to work toward change for the things that are not so good, right? 

And so, you know, 

we place this emphasis on finding the right spouse who's going to make me happy, who's going to be my second half.

Number one, you have to be whole before you get married. Like, there's nobody is going to fulfill that second half thing. 

And so your happiness, your responsibility, right? 

And so, that's one of the misconceptions that is important to address. 

The other, my dean will improve if I get married, right? 

I'll become more religious. 

I'll become more practicing once I get married.

Right? 

Marriage can make you a better Muslim, right? Like, if you have, it's natural that if you have somebody who is also pushing toward that same goal that you will grow together in inshaAllah. 

But if you need to improve your connection to Allah, if you need to improve your worship, your ibadah of him, waiting for somebody else to do that for you is not going to work, right?

If you're not waking, if you're not waking up for fajr (subuh) and you're like, oh, my husband or my wife is going to be the one that's going to wake me up for fajr, I can't wait until that happens. 

Then, you know, you're in for a little bit of a disaster with that because this is something that's within your control right now.

If you're not doing what you need to do to take control over a change that you want to make now, what makes you think somebody's going to be able to do that for you?

This has to be something that you do for yourself. And it's really, it's really important that if you have a goal, don't wait for it for marriage.

That's something that you can work on for yourself as well.

Another misconception is that people think, you know, I'll be more confident once I'm married.

Again, self-esteem is your responsibility. It's something you need to work on on your own.

Like, yes, somebody who treats you well, somebody who treats you kindly will make you feel good, but it doesn't necessarily change the way you view yourself.

That's something that you need to work on on your own because our capacity to love and to see the good in others is also included in.

It also is somewhat dependent on our capacity to see good in ourselves, right?

And so when we're accepting of ourselves, when we're growing ourselves, then we can see that in other people as well.

And it can also breed a sense of animosity and jealousy and things like that if we don't have that.

If we're not working on that. So ask yourself, you know, like, do I tend to see the clouds or the sunshine, right? Like, do I, my mindset is going to impact what I focus on, not just on myself, but on my spouse. If there is a tendency for you to see the negatives in people around you, that will happen in marriage and a spouse is not going to change that. That's something that you have to work on for yourself, right?

That mindset shift of being able to scan the world for good.

And that's going to be a very positive and impactful for you in your marriage as well, to start practicing that, start practicing seeing the good, right?

The other one, and this one's really a really big misconception. Prior to marriage and within marriage, which is that my spouse should know what I need.